Sunday horoscopes get drunk! (And stupid!)

In honor of Britney's visit to Starbucks keeping here away from her child custody hearing, my crystal ball brings you your horoscopes based on your favorite cock-tails...lol! perhaps you can learn something from the drunks of your birth sign's past:



CANCER-6/21 TO 7/21
Zombie
Ingredients:
1/2 oz Bacardi 151 rum
1 oz pineapple juice
1 oz orange juice
1/2 oz apricot brandy
1 tsp sugar
2 oz light rum
1 oz dark rum
1 oz lime juice
Two drunk Cancer buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"
"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead.




LEO-7/22 TO 8/22
Lemon Drop
Ingredients:
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz lemon juice
1 sugar cube
A car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed Leo driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"




VIRGO-8/23 TO 9/21
Fuzzy Navel
Ingredients
3 oz Orange Juice
3 oz Peach Schnapps
A drunk Virgo guy goes up to a girl in bar and asks, "You want to play "Magic"?"
She says, "What's that?"
The guy answers, "We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear."




LIBRA-9/22 TO 10/22
Margarita
Ingredients:
1 1/2 oz Tequila
1 oz Lemon or lime juice
1/2 oz Triple Sec
Ice
Salt
A drunk Libra guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."




SCORPIO-10/23 TO 11/21
Sex on the Beach
Ingredients:
1 1/2 oz. vodka
3/4 oz. peachtree schnapps
1/2 oz. creme de cassis- 2 oz. orange juice
2 oz. cranberry juice
orange slice, maraschino cherry
A drunk Scorpio guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."The guy replies "Yeah I know. It's driving me nuts!"




SAGITTARIUS-11/22 TO 12/20
Cosmo
Ingredients:
1 1/2 oz vodka
3/4 oz triple sec
3/4 oz cranberry juice
1 oz fresh lime juice
Two drunk Sagittarius woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."




CAPRICORN-12/21 TO 1/20
Apple Martini
Ingredients:
1 part vodka
1 part Sour Apple Pucker schnapps
1 part apple juice
A drunk Capricorn walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."She says, "What color?"He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."




AQUARIUS-1/21 TO 2/19
Flaming Dr. Pepper
Ingredients:
1/2 shot amaretto almond liqueur
1/4 shot Kahlua liqueur
1/8 shot root beer schnapps
151 proof rum
1/2 glass beer
1. Pour amaretto, Kahlua, and root beer schnapps into a shot glass. Float rum on top.
2. Fill a beer mug (with something like bud or coors) half way. Light shot on fire, drop into a beer mug and slam as fast as you can! Be careful not to light the bar or other drunks on fire!
A very shy Aquarius guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”



PISCES-2/20 TO 3/19
Mai Tai
Ingredients:
1 oz light rum
1/2 oz creme de almond
1/2 oz triple sec
sweet and sour mix
pineapple juice
1/2 oz dark rum
A Pisces who had at least 4-5 drinks of whiskey every day of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire.




ARIES-3/20 TO 4/18
Bloody Mary
Ingredients:
1 1/2 oz vodka
3 oz tomato juice
1 dash lemon juice
1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
2 - 3 drops Tabasco sauce
1 lime wedge
A drunk Aries guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name."Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?""No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?""Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" He replied:"Beersex."




TAURUS-4/19 TO 5/19
Strawberry Daiquiri
Ingredients:
1/2 oz strawberry schnapps
1 oz light rum
1 oz lime juice
1 tsp powdered sugar
1 oz strawberries
A police officer pulls over this Taurus guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.""Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.""I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.""Well, then, we need a urine sample.""I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.""All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.""I can't do that, officer.""Why not?""Because I'm drunk."




GEMINI-5/20 TO 6/20
Jesus Juice
Ingredients:
Empty soda can
wine
and Boy Scout
Enough said!


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